Excerpts

Introduction

Moms Have Sex? Who Knew!
As soon as we started spreading the word about our idea for this book, we knew we were on to something. Parents instantly responded with curiosity, enthusiasm, and almost desperate nods of approval, while folks without kids looked politely puzzled. And who could blame them? Although volumes have been written about motherhood and sex, the two subjects lie on parallel tracks that rarely intersect. Parenting books never explore how a mother can expect her sex life to be transformed by the demands of child rearing. Sex and relationship books for parents suggest tips for "keeping the flame alive" that depend on creating the illusion that you don't have kids. And neither ever addresses how honoring your own sexuality through all the phases of your life sets a powerful example that enables your children to grow into responsible, sexually fulfilled adults.

Sexy Mamas reaches out to women who want to integrate the joys of a satisfying sex life with the joys of motherhood. We offer tips, anecdotes, and practical information about sex and parenting, supported by advice from medical experts, sex experts, and the most valuable experts of all—other mothers.

Mothers First
While we like to think that all parents can glean useful information and perspective from this book, it is written first and foremost for mothers. We are unabashed in asserting that mothers need and deserve a book of their own—their sex lives have been invisible for far too long. Women simply aren't raised with a sense of entitlement to sexual expression, and mothers face the double bind of social attitudes that deem maternity and sexuality mutually exclusive. Most mothers can testify that the desire for a fulfilling sex life didn't disappear when they had children; it simply got buried under an avalanche of conflicting demands on their time and attention. A woman's sex life undergoes significant changes from the moment she decides to have a child, and she has to navigate these changes with no more than the occasional tidbit of information from a kindly nurse or relevant anecdote from a straight-shooting friend. The legions of mothers who visit sex-related discussion boards on parenting Web sites—swapping tips on everything from waning desire to remaining kinky—reveal a profound hunger for an explicit discussion of sexual issues.

Ask a mom about her sex life and you'll get responses ranging from "Sex? What's that?" to "It's better than ever, but it took a lot of work." If you're partnered, you're probably not surprised by the statistic that parents living with children spend only about twenty minutes each week being intimate with each other. If you're single, perhaps you wonder how to be fully present for your kids without neglecting your own desires. You may have picked up this book because a sexual drought is making you long for "the good old days," or you may be curious to explore how your newfound maternal power and passion can enhance your sex life. Either way, we hope you'll find much in these pages that challenges your assumptions and fuels your desires.

Moms Speak
We wanted our discussion of mothers' sexuality to reflect the concerns and experiences of a full spectrum of moms—married, single, heterosexual, lesbian, adoptive, and biological—so we posted a survey in several places on-line, including Hip Mama's Web site. Imagine our delight when over seven hundred impassioned responses poured in. We heard from women whose experiences ran the gamut of maternal sexuality, from sexually confident fertility goddesses who were reveling in a sexual rebirth to mothers stymied by the practical and cultural restrictions on their sexuality. Their poignant and often humorous quotes appear throughout this book, and their comments guided our writing.

We owe a debt of gratitude to the moms who shared their thoughts—not just because they sacrificed some of their precious free time to contribute to our book—but because their stories reveal how every aspect of becoming and being a mother has sexual repercussions: from the stresses of trying to conceive to the hormonal shifts of pregnancy and postpartum to the challenges of prioritizing personal pleasure with children on the scene. It's our goal to take as comprehensive an approach as possible in affirming a mother's identity as a sexual being. Throughout this book, we refer to your sexual "partners": a neutral term we use deliberately, since we believe that exploring your sexuality with a long-term spouse or a short-term fling is equally valid.

Using This Book
Whether you're struggling with a shifting sexual self-image, you're curious about why your sex drive flew the coop, or you're single and need tips for meeting people, you'll find help here. The early chapters deal with the core components that define a woman's relationship to her own sexuality, including sexual self-image, self-esteem, masturbation, desire, and communication. The later chapters deal with an array of obstacles to her love and sex life a mother may encounter, and include practical advice on how to make sex a priority, how to share the responsibility for a fulfilling sex life with a partner, how to manage a sex life when you're single, and how to expand your experience of sex. In order to inspire some creative change in your own life, we've sprinkled over one hundred easy-to-try Hot Tips throughout the book, all designed to help you embrace a bigger, better sexuality.